Do you know what it feels like....?

- To not know which university you may or may not go until a month after you graduated?

- To pass the exam in Belgium which gives you the chance to go to med school in Belgium?

- To get the fantastic news that you can go to med school at the university you always wanted?

- To get your brown belt with 23,9 points out of the 24?

- To get your own appartment with a bath, a shower, 2 toilets, a kitchen, a fridge - and the best part of all - and not have to share it with others?

- To be on the beach after a million years orso, and just sit there, listening to the waves, enjoying the company of your friends, soaking up the sun, playing with the sand and checking out the guys (even though they weren't as hot as i wish they were)...

- To really really really want to move out of your parents house, and FINALLY live on your own because their whining and nagging is finally getting to you up till where you are seriously considering suicide (ok that was a bit over the top, but hey exaggerating is a form of art!) after 17 long long years?

- To finally have the idea that life is going the way you want? (except that your parents are still bloody annoying)

Yea, lots of feelings huh! And the feeling i have now is that my eye lids are becoming heavier and heavier so i am going to get some sleep before i have to get up tomorrow..*sigh*

<3

Stuff

At last, high school is over. The day i was writing about, the day of my last exam, that day was on the 1st of june. My last day that i had to go to school ever. And I think the other Tina is right. With every door that closes, there will be another door that opens. My high school door closed. But the door to university opened. It's wide open and i'm just about to walk through it.

So i was thinking about useless stuff, as usual... and my mind kind of got stuck thinking about my ideal man. Yes for long time i really really liked blond hair blue eyes. But when i went back to taiwan i realised that there are really cute asians too. This just made me wonder: what is it that gives women their idea of a perfect man? Is it genetic? Has it something to do with the environment you grow up in? Has it to do with your parents?
I can remember that I read an article a long time ago, explaining how men usually use their mother as a basic idea of their perfect women. I think that is pretty gross because it reminds me of incest. The fact that it has something to do with the environment you grow up in is more reasonable to me. Since i grew up in both Taiwan and Holland, it's pretty normal that i like both asian and european guys right? But that still doesn't explain why i like blond hair so much. I mean even here in europe people with natural blond hair is a dying race.
And this made me think of summer 2005 when i was back in Taiwan, and all the taiwanese girls there were desperately trying to stay white and were all walking under umbrellas and wearing long sleeves even though it was freaking hot and humid outside. Here in Holland everybody desperately tries to have a tan the whole year through, even though here in Holland we only have like 2 weeks to do that since there just isn't enough sun to get a tan easily like in Taiwan.
So i find this really striking. It seems that everybody is trying to achieve the impossible. With this other questions rise up in my crazy brain: why is it that people are trying to achieve the impossible?

The crazy thing is that i'm one of those people. I tend to be reaching for the goals which i know in the back of my mind that i won't ever achieve them. I guess i find the idea of reaching to that goal kind of comforting. Because my life would be pretty sucky when i can easily achieve everything i want to right? Then i wouldn't have anything left to dream about, nothing to build my hopes on, nothing to look forward to. I wouldn't want to wake up with the idea that i already have everything i wanted. So i guess that's why people tend to grasp for the impossible because lets face it: it's pretty impossible to stay pale in a country where there is so much sun as in Taiwan; and maybe that's why i love blond hair and blue eyes - maybe, in my mind i'd love to have blond hair and blue eyes. Wait, i'm pretty sure actually that i want to have blond hair and blue eyes. So by having a boyfriend with blond hair and blue eyes is as close as i can get...

When i realised this, i was asking myself if i was using my boyfriend, just because he has blond hair and blue eyes. Is that the reason i stayed with him all this time? Is that why i liked him so much? 'Maybe that's why i was so upset when all of his hair was gone? And if this all is true, wouldn't i be like really superficial? Just to like a guy because he has blond hair and blue eyes? By the time i figured this out, i was already dozing off so my mind wasn't really clear i guess because i can remember that after this i told myself i wasn't superficial because i liked asian guys too. =) Always nice to reassure yourself you are not a superficial bimbo, who just has a boyfriend because he looks nice.

And after this my mind just jumped to the conclusion that my brain thinks about seriously useless and stupid stuff when it gets the chance. Lol i bet that when they cut me open to analyse my brain when i'm dead, they'd find holes in it, where the areas responsible for reasonable thinking should have been, which would explain my weird way of thinking.  

 The love of my life.

You know what I've been wondering lately? You know those ferrero rocher chocolates? If you don't know them (which I can't even imagine; or forgot what they look like) look above :) If you've never tasted one, i strongly recommend you to rush to the closest supermarket or 7/11 there is and buy a dozen of those, because you haven't lived until you've tasted one of those.

So yea, I was wondering why they are so heavenly delicious. First of all, the golden wrapping paper facinates me. Seriously, give me one of those and I'll be entertained for hours. Not only will it take me a half an hour to enjoy the chocolate, but I have this urge of wanting to flatten the golden wrapping paper. Even though it's extremely fragile and thin, I try to flatten it, everytime I eat one of those. And until now i have been able to flatten 1, without accidentally tearing it into pieces.

But the chocolate - my mom (just for example) hates chocolate, but she loves those ferrero rocher things. My chinese teacher idem ditto. And I was wondering why? I mean, chocolate with hazelnuts is nothing out of the ordinary. The layer of thin wafer, is nothing special either. Buy a pack of wafers and you have a gazillion layers of thin wafer all together. The chocolate stuffing is the same as nutella and the crunchy hazelnut in the centre isn't different from any other hazelnut you can buy in any ordinary store. But STILL the fererro rocher chocolates are out-of-your-mind-blowing-delicious. No kidding!

And i think i know why. It's the combination of everything.
For starters there is this golden wrapping paper, when something is gold you know it's precious and valuable. It's placed in a warm brown shell, like a pearl placed in an oyster. It gives the chocolate a classical feel. When you see a Ferrero Rocher, you really get the idea that you have something really special in your hands. It's not perfect round, because the chocolate is not perfectly round either. You get the idea that the content is a bit rough, maybe like a diamond in the rough. This is mentally preparing you for the content, and in your mind, you already know that whatever is inside, it should be good. Subconciously, the golden wrapping is gently building up the expectations.

When you finally put the thing in your mouth, you are surprised! It doesn't only have a crunchy chocolate layer with hazelnuts on the outside, it also consists of a layer of thin wafer, which gives the upper chocolate layer an extra crunch. Followed by a creamy chocolate filling and last but not least, a whole hazelnut in the center. The taste is perfectly balanced between the sweetness of the chocolate and the 'nutty' aroma of the hazelnuts.
I think it's the combination of it all what makes it so special. It's like when you met a really really good looking, handsome guy. And when he has a fantastic smile and eyes, it will build up your expectations, and you start wondering if he's as wonderful as his body and smile is. And when you get surprised by how funny, nice, romantic, gentle he is, you fall totally in love with him because everything is perfect. It's the same with this precious, delicious ferrero rocher chocolate. It's not only the outside which will make you want it, but it's the inside which will make you totally fall in love with it, and make you addicted. (But maybe it's just me ranting away =P)

Now i finally understand why scientist always say women like chocolate. They were talking about the ferrero rochers! =P

<3!

So i was just wondering: what is love? And more importantly, what is the difference of being in love and just love? If you google 'love' and 'in love' you find matchmaking sites - they all guarantee to find a perfect match for you. Thinking of this, it reminded me of a biology lesson long time ago, when my biology teacher told us how our brains react to a certain stuff called pheromones. Pheromones are like hormones, but we can't actually smell them, as in we don't know if it smells good or bad, but we have an organ in our nose, which registers pheromones. So, according to my biology teacher, we fall in love because our pheromones are right. And when that happens, a lot of hormones start racing through our body and makes our brain go wild. - That's how scientists explain 'love' / 'in love'. It also explains why we all want, need, love love! All of those hormones makes us feel happy you see, and it becomes a sort of addiction; ergo when a relationship ends, you feel like crap because those 'making you feel happy hormones' aren't there anymore. So far the scientifical explanation.

Going back to these sites: How can they find the perfect match for you if they don't know how your brain will react to certain pheromones? These sites tend to find a guy or gal who fits you most, as in the same interests, the same hobbies, same age, and so on and so on.

Isn't this the same like finding a copy of you?

According to my mom love is a mutual understanding between two people who have managed to find a way to live toghether. According to Carrie in Sex in the city it's a zsa zsa zoom feeling. According to Roxette it's "Crash! Boom! Bang!" According to the bible it's "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." But the bible doesn't explain why there are so many of the so called 'love crimes', nor why people divorce as easily as they get married.

According to those harlequin books it's an electrick shock between the beautiful lady and the sexy, dark, strong, masculine man. And everyone who has read one of those books have read sentences like: "She was nearly breathless from kissing him. Desire heated every cell of her body." And other sentences like this. Is it desire that leads to love? Or just love in the way we want it to be?

I bet everybody has seen those chick flicks, guys doing all the right things for the girl and those happy endings.Those movies really make me wonder if that's the way love is when you meet your mister right...

What do you think? What is your idea of 'love' or being 'in love'?

<3

Do you know the feeling? The feeling that you don't actually know what you are feeling. That you don't know if you should be stressed or happy that high school is ending. That you don't know if you love or hate your boyfriend. That you don't know what you're going to do when you do not get that spot in med school which you want so badly. That you don't know what kind of weather it will be tomorrow, it might be sunshine, but it might storm aswell.

That's how i kind of feel lately. I have the feeling that everything which i was certain of in my world is falling apart. High school, which was my 'home' for six years (Yes, in holland the VWO school last 6 long years). I went through puberty there, it started and ended there. For 6 long years i've biked through rain and wind to get there. I've cried there, I've laughed there, I have hated a bunch of teachers, but loved some of them aswell. I have met the best and the worst kind of people there, made the best and the worst friends. Had the best and the worst time and soon, it's going to be all over. I won't be seeing my best friends on daily basis anymore, and I don't know which i dread more: the fact that i won't be seeing them anymore or the fact that they won't see ME anymore? What if they meet some other girl which is way cooler and prettier and nicer than me? Or maybe i'm just ranting away and hormones are racing because it's just that time of the month.

The house i have lived in for the past 12 years...Soon i'll have to leave this place and move to the city of my university. I will miss it here, in a strange way though, i will miss how my sister loves to barge into my room withough knocking, i will miss my mom's voice yelling and shouting, i will miss the smell of my mom's delicious food...

And last but not least, i don't know how i feel about my boyfriend. It started over a year ago, in the strangest, most weird way. We turned out to be a nice couple, I could laugh about and with him, he was nice, and he was sweet. I fell in love with him, he fell in love with me. We always knew it would end after high school, and now it's almost time to say goodbye to each other. I don't know if i've mentally prepared myself for the break-up, or maybe it's just that he just isn't the cute, sexy, sweet guy he used to be. Like shoes, when they are new you find them pretty and cute and want to wear them all the time, but as time goes by, they get out dated, they become ugly, the colour fades and you throw them away. It's a bit harsh to compare your boyfriend with a pair of shoes, but hey i couldn't think of anything else. =)

Maybe it's that i've come to know him enough, maybe it's because in 15 months of time, i don't know him at all. Our relationship has always been more physical than mental. I don't know what he's thinking, he doesn't know my thoughts. Maybe we are just too different. I'm driven and have a goal in life, he is lazy and has no clue what his purpose in life is. Maybe, i'm just tired of him. Maybe, it's because some other guy has caught my attention.

I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what to do. All i know is that i have to study my butt off because national finals start in 3 days and they are pretty important. So yea..i think i should go and study for a bit...

<3